We Need to Pick Our Battles

This is a phrase I have probably said more than any other in both my professional and personal life.  In recent years, I have begun to question whether there is even a battle to be fought. As many people know, I have a twin sister, Julie, who is Autistic. She has shaped me to become the person I am today.  My work has brought an amazing group of people into my life who have taught me so much about their own Autistic experiences as well.  I treasure these lessons and people for all they have taught me during my 20+ years in this position. Lessons that could never be taught in a course or learned through a textbook. Life lessons that will stay with me much longer and hold so much more importance in my life.

It has taken me too many years to learn and understand that the experiences I have in life, are not the same as the ones my sister has.  We experience things differently through our sensory systems, we communicate differently, we prioritize things differently. We are different people and for most people, we would accept and respect that, but somehow when there is a diagnosis involved the stakes are raised. We expect more – more compliance, and more acceptance and respect of OUR OWN expectations and experiences. Furthermore, we assume that our experiences match their own, when oftentimes I am certain they do not.

One such example is Julie and her jacket. We have learned that Julie dresses according to the calendar rather than the weather. Being in New England, we know these two often do not match! Sometimes this leads to a battle to ensure that what she wears will keep her at a safe temperature. In addition to that, Julie likes to wear at least a light jacket whenever she goes out all through the summer.  For many years, this was a frustration for me. How could she wear that jacket when it’s so hot? Wouldn’t she be more comfortable without it on? She must be sweating! The problem with this thinking was that I was projecting my experience and feelings onto her. I assumed we were both feeling the same things and sometimes even demanded that she take the jacket off because it was too hot – actually because I was too hot.  This usually led to Julie being frustrated and upset, which would lead to me being frustrated and upset. So, I ask you – exactly who won that battle?

Historically and hilariously, whenever I would ask Julie to take off her jacket, she would tie it around her waist, shove it into her pocketbook, or my very favorite, put her arms in the sleeves snuggie style, so she was essentially wearing it backward. Hey, she did “take it off” if only to put it right back on in a different configuration. Is this not compliance? It took probably too many of these occasions for me to realize the jacket was clearly providing her with something other than warmth. Maybe some other level of comfort or regulation. If it wasn’t making me hotter or physically uncomfortable, why was it so important to me for her to take it off when I thought it was too hot?  Of course, if she became overheated, or it was a health concern, I would support her in taking the necessary actions.

So now, we take our weekly walks and Julie blissfully wears her light green jacket while I wear whatever is comfortable for me – as it should be. I encourage all of us to not only “pick your battles”, but perhaps not even enter the battle in the first place. We may not always understand the choices other people make, nor do we have to, but maybe we can be just a little more accepting that we are not all the same.